I am on the verge of developing a serious body image disorder in this "business of showing". Not by choice but because folks in the biz feel this need to incessantly comment on how "great (read "skinny- thin and fit") you look". I get that a lot especially from fellow actor-esses.
After awhile in Hollywood, one develops a false sense of knowing and being sympatico with tons of people. Kind of like the Facebook phenomenon. I mean, can anyone really claim to know over 500 people personally? I doubt it. And if you do, drop everything and please open up a PR firm. I would hire you ASAP.
When you go on auditions, eventually you begin to run into the same small select crew of friendly competitors. The crew thins out, some new members join, but at the core, there is often a solid handful that you eventually nod to, say hi to, work with and might even wait around for after an audition and go grab a double soy green tea latte with and chew the fat with. Others, you meet in a belly dancing, pure bar ballet class, a gym setting, acting class or workshop.
Well, one such gal, Mai Lhing Luz, feels this need to greet me with a pointed remark on how skinny I am. I met Mai-Lhing Luz during a very brief stint at the famed "Groundlings School". We were in a Level 1 class together. She is from Canada, and was brilliant at using her own ethnicity as the butt of her punch lines. "It's because I'm Chinese! " was her favorite refrain.
So we endure six weeks of bi-weekly improv classes, where everyone comes in believing that they will be a SNL cast member by the end of the six weeks and if that does NOT happen, it was clearly the person they were paired off with to improv's fault. This workshop took place during what we Southern Californians think of as "winter" February through Mid-March. Months where temperatures drop below 65 and we Angelinos, break out mittens, scarves, coats and gloves. Although I am a proud Brooklyn Girl, my body got acclimated to this coast and when temps hit below 65, every orifice of my person where heat can be emitted, is covered in wool.
I attended most of these biweekly morning classes wearing turtlenecks under sweaters, ugg boots, gloves and a coat. By noon, when class was over, I looked pretty darn stupid holding my coat and sweater in hand walking the eight blocks back to my humble abode.
With the workshop commitment over, I began to run into Mai Lhing Luz at random commercial auditions where all the Advertising execs knew, was that they were willing to hire one non-caucasian actor-ess for a role. When that happens, it means that everyone last named Luz, Cruz, Perez, Ping, Ming, Chong, Anderson, Brookes, Smith, Black and August shows up. Without fail, Mai Lhing Luz would greet me with a "OMG, you are soooo skinny...now!"I pointed out to her that when we met it was winter and therefore, I was layered and as a one who barely towers at 5'2" and is a size 0/XS anything layered on me makes me look like a butterball. Therefore, during our tenure at the 'pretend we are SNL cast members -school', I, perhaps appeared to be a chubster, a fatty, pleasantly plump chiquita. But in fact, my wardrobe is the same size it's been for as long as I have consciously been dressing me.
Mai Lhing Luz, shakes her head incredulously and insists that I got 'sooo skinny...you look GREAT!!!" and the latter half of the comment is where the possibility of an eating disorder comes in. Why should I get praised, however unjustified, because I am "sooo skinny"? It's horrible! I feel guilty now when I actually feel satiated.
Mai Lhing Luz, is now a dirty greasy voice in my head. Mai Lhing Luz, wants me to walk around with as little as possible on, at all times, proving to the world that I am not only petite in stature but sooo skinny too.
I never payed much attention to Mai Lhing Luz's body before she became a greasy voice in my head. I ran into her a week ago for the first time since July 2011. She was wider-hipped then I thought, and her rear looked like an African man would want her to have his descendants. I happily approached Mai Lhing Luz and greeted her with Congratulations. She had a successful back-to-school Walmart commercial running. She was brilliant in it. Her response was: "Thank you, but you, ARE soooo skinny, you look GREAT!!!"
I took a deep breath, walked away from her, convinced that I needed to run three miles EVERY day instead of every OTHER day. I don't want the day to ever come when Mai Lhing Luz will stop brushing me off with "you are sooo skinny... you look GREAT!!!".
I was once so heart broken, that my own body saw it fit to reject every morsel of food I tried to feed it. I would literally upchuck after after every meal. The loss of the only man who probably ever adored and handled me with great care was much too great for me. Somehow, my body was listening to my subconscious command of wanting to disappear from the sheer loss of my "greatest love" to date. I got to a point where, at the tender age of 26, I weighed 89 lbs. I don't need any expert to tell me that, that was not healthy. In a panic, I went to a doctor and mentioned that my weight was a concern. Doctor's reply: " You can NEVER be too skinny in Hollywood!"
Maybe this doctor is now Mai Lhing Luz's doctor. Meanwhile, I wonder which eating disorder would best suit me? The only saving grace in this whole saga is that I can name that greasy voice in my head that wants to see food as an enemy. It's name is Mai Lhing Luz. Thanks for the support Sister!
