I've had the pleasure of nearly avoiding being a spinster! I have been engaged, spoken for, promised to... thrice! Soon after my third engagement, I decided that the "prude" needed to be put on a well-deserved hiatus and only show up as a mid-season replacement if the "whore" made too many poor executive decisions.
Along comes Edward. A fairly new transplant from Raymond Alberta, a province in Canada. Edward at the ripe old age of 39, had apparently taken an improv class in Raymond, Alberta as part of his Narcotics Anonymous Art therapy. One night, he went up to improv and he "killed" the room.
Classmates, or more accurately, fellow addicts, were all doubled over in laughter the entire time. That single experience convinced Edward that "Hollywood" could simply not survive another minute without him. Armed with this one "five weeks" Narcotics Anonymous Art Therapy improv class, Edward entered our fair country with a visitors visa and kicked his cocaine habit for good. The white powder south of Alberta was not to Edward's liking. His standards sealed his recovery! Amen.
I meet this illegal Canadian, Edward at a nameless place where I donate my time. He was hired under the table to photograph said establishment. He wanted to use me as a model for a some-day-could-become a coffee table book he was "working on". Sure, the old "let me shoot you, I'm a photographer trick was laughable at best"- To Edward's credit, I probably still look like I just fell off a turnip truck on the 405 freeway.
We know who in the "prudish-whore" scenario was given permission to run the show, right? Our executive producer, let's call her Ms. W from now on. (I suspect I might be setting the feminist movement back a few decades by using the term "whore" so comfortably) Ms. W, quickly surmises that, in light of Edward's history, he would be the perfect service provider post break up.
A service provider is very different from a Friend with benefit. One actually cares about the daily happenings in a friends life. Problem was, Edward was surprisingly loquacious and soft-spoken - a horrible combination- and just not interesting. I could feel my brain cells dying as we'd speak.
The only thing Edward would possibly be good for, is to quench a certain level of deep physical longing. Ex-addicts had already proven themselves to be worth the panty removal.
Ms. W, the executive producer, hired Edward for the job with the caveat that only she goes to him when she is free. He is not to bore her with the details of his life, day, childhood memories in Raymond Alberta, family foibles, fables, dreams, hopes, aspirations and exasperations. The only thing she cared about knowing would be any scheduling conflict that might affect her being pleasured. Much like a cellular phone provider, she was signing up for a plan. The reception is expected to be available anywhere one goes within the United States.
The fact that we know where Edward is from, tells us that he violated his end of the plan. Edward talked way too much. True to form, Edward, an admitted ex-addict, provided explosive gratifyingly exhausting sex.
By week two of daily all-nighters, Edward decided, in classical cognitive behavior, to blame someone else for his inability to provide a service he agreed to. His addict rational was, and I quote: "You are sexually exhausting, you want it all the time and I simply have no energy left to shoot more models" for his some day might become a coffee table book.
The ratings went through the roof! I was unceremoniously dumped for "wanting it too much"! Just like your favorite tv series, sometimes a network just seems to obliterate it. If nothing else, just as an ego exercise. Let's face it, the Ms. W in me had way too much power and loser-ex addict- wanna be photographer wants to act as a network exec.
The "Prude" came back sooner than planned for a mid-season replacement! And to quote my most favorite tv show dysfunctional whore addict tv show character, Charlie played by Charlie Sheen on "Two and Half men", the "Prude" is totally " WINNING!"
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